As I mentioned in an earlier post, twenty-some years ago I decided not to disclose to my wife the infidelities I committed. My lie.
There was a window of opportunity when I should have disclosed all. I had just resigned my position at work in total shame because of a sexual harassment allegation, which I am ashamed to admit. In fact, I had not committed any physical violation, or for that matter, anything that I thought warranted the charge. I had some “inappropriate” conversations while on the job and an allegation was filed.
It has been a very difficult week. We said goodbye to a brother this week, my wife’s oldest half-brother, who was a loving soul. He was broken in many ways but through all his brokenness, he still found a way to love everyone he met. He and I had been good friends over the years and we even had a spiritual connection. Despite the troubled life he lived, he was a follower of Christ Jesus, a trait of his I admired very much. He taught me that even if you are a conflicted, broken person, Jesus is always there to catch you when you finally realize He is the only way to salvation. My brother went home this week to the Lord, and I will miss him. It gives me great comfort knowing that he is safe in the Lord and all his pain has been wiped away.
Once again, I find myself livid over my monster’s past actions. If the infidelities weren’t enough, he had been “sourcing supply” off and on for years. And while he says he wasn’t aware of what he was doing while seeking supply, the damage is done – especially since he received an email today from one of the women he’d been chatting with.
Hello, I am the Monster. My wife has embarked on this blog as a therapeutic way of relieving the pain, grief and outrage that I have caused. I have a personality disorder. I agreed to share in this effort partly because at this point in my life I will do anything to help restore her, and partly to help others from becoming me. I am going to be the alternate side of this blog, while she shares her process of healing on a day-to-day basis, I will be sharing my correction as it is conducted.
I am one who once had everything in the world, and now I’m left picking up the pieces of a shattered life that I, myself, broke. If you are reading this blog because your life has just been destroyed by a discovery or revelation of infidelity, betrayal or realization of abuse, welcome and I am sorry. My wife and I can certainly feel your pain as we are living it in real time. Unlike all the “self-help” books, we have devoured since D-day (name applied to the day of reveal), here you will witness the hellish emotional roller coaster that we ride everyday seeking healing and correction. You, too, will be on this ride in your place. Maybe this will help you to understand that what is about to come or what you are experiencing right now in your life is “normal,” whatever that means.
I want you to know that I am writing this from my
perspective of things I have discovered through this absolutely painful and
devastating journey. I am a follower of Christ, and it was by my gut – also
known as the Holy Spirit – that I encountered what the problem has been. I have
leaned into God so deeply that there may be in indentation in His body that is the
shape of mine. In six months, I have shed more tears than I had in a lifetime.
I want to share with you what I encountered, especially by “the church.” When you are told “God hates divorce” and that “All things are to His glory,” it sends nothing but a message of guilt and confusion to the abused spouse. While I am a Christian woman, a daughter of the Most High, I will tell you this – my journey is not being shared to tell you to “forgive and forget.” No – it is to share with you how I am healing. My goal is to be with you as you heal, whether you are a Christian or not. I plan to share with you how society and the church has let women down in so many ways – especially when dealing with the invisible damage of verbal, emotional and narcissistic abuse.
Imagine how excited you’d be, looking forward to a milestone. Yep, that was me. Earlier in 2018, my eyes were set on the prize. Our thirty-five-year anniversary was on the horizon. And we made it! We struggled through job losses, financial disasters, losing our home, the deaths of family and friends, military deployments, raising four children, continuing education and all the curve-balls of life. Family and friends alike were excited for us. In this day and age, being together for so long is the mark of success. And we were being rewarded for years of crazy with the perfect marriage. I envisioned us sitting together on our porch, watching the grandkids running through the yard, while enjoying retirement. We’d have our second home get-away near the ocean. In all of the nonsense we were dealt through the years, we were being rewarded for retaining a healthy and faithfully committed marriage.