Broken – Words from the Monster

Broken NPD
I am broken due to NPD.

It has been a very difficult week. We said goodbye to a brother this week, my wife’s oldest half-brother, who was a loving soul. He was broken in many ways but through all his brokenness, he still found a way to love everyone he met. He and I had been good friends over the years and we even had a spiritual connection. Despite the troubled life he lived, he was a follower of Christ Jesus, a trait of his I admired very much. He taught me that even if you are a conflicted, broken person, Jesus is always there to catch you when you finally realize He is the only way to salvation. My brother went home this week to the Lord, and I will miss him. It gives me great comfort knowing that he is safe in the Lord and all his pain has been wiped away.

How does one obtain empathy and caring for others if he does not have it? Inside, I want to care and I want to love my family and friends with a right kind of love. #NPD #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Love Click To Tweet

While grieving the loss of him, my shame surfaced again. Looking around a packed room of our family, friends and associates at the funeral service – all of whom were struggling to deal with his passing – I worked to stifle my emotions of shame and grief for the things I have committed against my own family. I also had to come to grips with the very real fact that while my brother had his issues, he was forgiven much of it because he was a loving caring person – something I am not and something I am working to change.

How does one obtain empathy and caring for others if he does not have it? Inside, I want to care and I want to love my family and friends with a right kind of love. Unfortunately, because I am broken, I simply do not know what that is. I can acknowledge the feelings of others and I can even understand why they feel the way they do most of the time, but I cannot share the feeling.

This week in particular, my wife has expressed it would help her healing if I could only show her that I was hurting as much as she was due to my betrayal of our marriage vows. I tell her in all truth that I cannot manufacture feelings that are not there, and that, of course, is not helpful. I do have feelings and in my own way I hurt, I just cannot express those feelings the way she wants me to. I am aware that I have hurt her very deeply. I am aware that she never deserved the treatment she has endured for over twenty years. I just don’t know how to share her pain and that is one of the worse things about NPD.

 I have read that through a series of behavioral modification techniques, and with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), I will learn to have empathy and share the feelings of others. I am currently undergoing EMDR as part of my recovery, attempting to stop narcissistic reactions by removing the trauma that caused this problem in the first place.

I do believe that by practicing concern for others, I will develop emotional maturity that is lacking. Nevertheless, in the here and now, I am still living a very black and white experience without any sensitivity toward my wife or others.

In closing this week, I offer you the Word of God in Psalm 19, KJV. Be sure to read the commentary by Matthew Henry 1710 (click on the tab for Commentary for Psalm 19): “David not only desired to be pardoned and cleansed from the sins he had discovered and confessed, but from those he had forgotten or overlooked.” As a Narc, that should knock you on your rear-end, because I know there are many sins we have committed but don’t even remember or are aware of. For those of you who are not a Narcissist, it may give you some insight as to why Narcs struggle to understand salvation, even when God Himself promises it. I know I was a monster, but I don’t have to stay this way!

© – 2019

Note: All comments on the blog will be closely monitored. This is a place for healing and sharing, not a place to be rude, abusive, and, for lack of a better word – narcissistic. We will all play nice, or you are bounced out. It’s that simple. Boundary setting is a must when dealing with narcissists. And those are the rules on my site.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *