My Lie – Words from the Monster

My lie

As I mentioned in an earlier post, twenty-some years ago I decided not to disclose to my wife the infidelities I committed. My lie.

There was a window of opportunity when I should have disclosed all. I had just resigned my position at work in total shame because of a sexual harassment allegation, which I am ashamed to admit. In fact, I had not committed any physical violation, or for that matter, anything that I thought warranted the charge. I had some “inappropriate” conversations while on the job and an allegation was filed.

In truth, to this day, I do not know who, or why, or what the actual allegation was. It suffices to say that regardless of those missing interrogatives, I was out of order. The conversations alone were sufficient to convict, and they were deeply disrespectful to my marriage and my wife. I mentioned I resigned, and I did so without a fight, because I knew deep down I was guilty of acting inappropriately. Additionally, at that time, the infidelities were recent enough that they were stinging my soul – especially because one of those infidelities happened with a co-worker.

If there was any better time for me to come clean with my wife it was then, and I did not do it. In retrospect, I know that I should have and believe me when I tell you, I wish I had. Today, I am convinced it would’ve ended our marriage right then and there. And you know what, that would’ve been the best thing that could’ve happened to my wife and children. It would have saved them twenty-some years of being subjected to a narcissist’s abuse.

However, the real punch in the gut to my wife today is, she never had a chance to decide. I robbed her of those years because I lived a lie… #NPD #abuse Click To Tweet

Life for them would look very different today. My wife most likely would be living the life she should have, with someone else in her life that would’ve loved her the way she was supposed to have been loved and cared for, the Godly way. Additionally, I may have gotten the help I needed then as opposed to this late date in life. Assuming I had gotten proper counseling then, it may have stopped a lot of pain and emotional abuse from happening. Unfortunately, we will never know how that would have turned out. I made the decision that my wife needed to be protected from this devastating truth, most likely based on some NPD fallacy. I told myself that I would bury this horrible truth and rededicate myself to my wife and my family.

Okay, that sounds very noble, but it wasn’t. If I had been honest with her in that moment, I very likely would’ve lost my family and my marriage, which I deserved. It is also possible with counseling we may have gotten past the infidelities and continued on as husband and wife, only better. However, the real punch in the gut to my wife today is, she never had a chance to decide. I robbed her of those years because I lived a lie, and no matter what happy memories are there in the over two decades that elapsed, they are tainted and will be forever stained with my sin.

It cannot be undone, no matter what happens from this time forward. Just that fact is hard enough to live with, but unfortunately again, it gets worse. Because of that f*cking lie, I manipulated, gas-lighted and projected like a narcissist always will. I subjected my family to demonstrations of rage that had no reason, striking fear in them like a terrorist. They learned to alter their behavior so as not to upset the monster, causing in them self-doubt, fear and a feeling that they would never be good enough. I hate myself for this more than I can express.

I received this revelation from my wife on October 8th of the past year. I have not been the same since, but that is probably a good thing. I was an abuser! I hurt my wife and children! I am the cause of all their fear and self-doubting as individuals!!

It has been several months and I am still trying to come to terms with this reality. I do not know if I ever will, or how I will. The weight of the atrocities I have committed is sometimes more than I can bear. Without the Lord Jesus to lean on, I don’t think I would survive this state of mind another day. Thank God! He sent His only Son for our salvation (John 3:16). Some days it is the only thing that keeps me going.               

© – 2019

Note: All comments on the blog will be closely monitored. This is a place for healing and sharing, not a place to be rude, abusive, and, for lack of a better word – narcissistic. We will all play nice, or you are bounced out. It’s that simple. Boundary setting is a must when dealing with narcissists. And those are the rules on my site.

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