I wish I wasn’t here, and I’m sure you are wishing you weren’t as well. I was shocked to learn I was Married to a Monster. But the more I learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the more I feel called to share my healing journey with you.
While NPD is more prevalent in men than women, it is a disorder that crosses all gender and socio-economic lines. So, while I would love for anyone dealing with a monster to garner some help, support and information from me, please know where it is that I am writing from. I will use “him” when referring to a narcissist, but if your situation is different, use “her.”
I am a married woman who is a Christian. I have very high morals and expectations of others, not because of my beliefs, but as a woman with empathetic traits. Just because I am hurting, I don’t feel the need to override my conscience and hurt others – which is exactly what someone with NPD does. They do so on a conscious and unconscious level. Most people with NPD have learned their behavior, entitlement attitude, and other awful coping mechanisms to survive debilitating childhood trauma.
And while my faith is important to my healing, I don’t want that to turn off a non-believer. It’s just that I feel it is important for you, the reader, to understand my core values. I also want my readers to understand that many messages I have received “from the church” have been extremely harmful – adding to the abuse – while other messages have helped.
Please understand when you are reading about my life that there will be days – like today – when I have hope. And there will be other days when I feel nothing but despair. One of the most frustrating things in dealing with putting your life back together after decades of abuse is trying to balance the good and the bad. It’s like being on a roller coaster you can’t stop.
If you are in the midst of this mess, like me, I want you to stop and think about you. Who are you? It is a question my therapist asked me, and I broke down and cried. I didn’t know then, but I am trying to learn now. Who am I? How did this happen? All those questions and feelings are normal. And you are normal. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to be furious. It’s okay to have compassion for yourself. And don’t feel guilty for feeling compassion for your disordered spouse. Something really bad happened to him to make him be the way he is. But… you are not responsible for his healing. You are not responsible for his actions. The only thing you are responsible for is you and your healing. Try not to let that impede your progress.
Because my monster is willing to seek help, and try to repair and restore the damage he has done to me, our children, other family members and all others that have crossed his path, he has agreed to support this project. Additionally, he has agreed to share his story, too. When we have calm moments, and the narcissist in him is being quiet, he can actually share what goes on in his mis-wired, disordered head. And while that helps, it will never excuse the things he has done. And he’s at least open and honest about that.
So, thanks for walking beside me on this difficult journey. Feel free to reach out and grasp my hand, and I hope we can be a help to one another.
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