Married to a Monster
Imagine how excited you’d be, looking forward to a milestone. Yep, that was me. Earlier in 2018, my eyes were set on the prize. Our thirty-five-year anniversary was on the horizon. And we made it! We struggled through job losses, financial disasters, losing our home, the deaths of family and friends, military deployments, raising four children, continuing education and all the curve-balls of life. Family and friends alike were excited for us. In this day and age, being together for so long is the mark of success. And we were being rewarded for years of crazy with the perfect marriage. I envisioned us sitting together on our porch, watching the grandkids running through the yard, while enjoying retirement. We’d have our second home get-away near the ocean. In all of the nonsense we were dealt through the years, we were being rewarded for retaining a healthy and faithfully committed marriage.
Or so I thought.
In all honesty, I remember numerous times feeling like something was “off.” But I just couldn’t put my finger on any specific behavior. And when I’d try to explain to my husband what I was feeling and ask questions regarding a life-turning issue from a few decades ago, I was met with stonewalling and gaslighting. But I didn’t know it was stonewalling or gaslighting. I just figured that all the time away due to the military affected our marriage. I was seeing him build up walls, and it scared me.
So, this website and blog, “Married2aMonster,” is the process of my healing. Because what I didn’t know then, I do know now: I am married to a monster.
As I write for my healing, I am inviting you on a journey. A journey I never knew I’d be on. I am not even sure how to begin. Do I start with my beginnings, and the trauma I endured in childhood? Do I start with what I now know were red flags in our marriage? And what is worse is – I don’t even know how this story will end. My life has literally been flipped upside down and shaken inside and out.
A year ago at this time, I was writing a fictional book. Now, I am writing to save my life. A year ago, I didn’t know that my spouse was unfaithful. A year ago at this time, I didn’t know I had been an abused wife.
Yes, I am an abused wife. The shock of that is palpable. Sometimes it’s worse than knowing I am married to a monster who is a cheater and a liar.
So, I am starting my story here, in the moment where I am. And I want you to join me. I want you to know that you are not alone. That there are countless women (and men) who are on this journey to figure out what the hell happened to them. And that “what the hell” is this: I am a victim at the hands of my spouse – a man who has a Cluster B personality disorder, which is a swirling mess of NPD, ASPD, BPD, and other comorbidities.
© Married2aMonster.com – 2019