I am afraid of my husband.
In my last post, I touched on anger and abuse. Today, I want to address fear.
I am afraid of my husband.
I never, ever thought I’d utter those words. But as the memories of abuse flood me, that fear is real.
Why? He never hit me.
I told him the other day I wish he had.
If my monster had hit me 21 years ago when he was on what we now know call his “Narcissistic Bender,” I would have taken our kids and left. Never, ever would I allow a man to hit me. Ever.
If my monster had hit me, I wouldn’t have endured years of verbal and emotional abuse.
For that, I am so very, very angry at him.
While I have walked on egg shells for years, there was a time period that I really walked on egg shells. I thought my monster was really stressed out about work, finances, kids, just life in general. As the abuse memories come forth, I remember his constant anger. No one could say or do anything right. No one had any idea what would set the monster off.
A monster’s rage is frightening, especially when their eyes turn dark with hate. Another trait of NPD – the narcissistic stare. It is the most hateful look you have ever seen. Or, it can be the most hollowed-out look. But, not knowing what I was dealing with, I assumed my monster just had a really bad temper.
One day, I said something that set him off, and he shrieked within inches of my face, “I never wanted to hit you so bad as I want to right now!!!!!” He slammed the counter or a cabinet – I can’t remember – because at that time, slamming something happened almost daily. Or, he’d have his narcissistic rage – the equivalent of an adult tempter tantrum – jump in the car and drive off like a maniac down the street – at a very high rate of speed – crazy and erratic. He drove that recklessly in our neighborhood, where our kids played. Where everyone knew our car. A neighbor used to call me after those episodes, asking if things were okay.
I didn’t realize that screaming and pounding things was abuse. I figured it was better than hitting someone.I was terrified, and so were the kids. And that modified my behavior. #NPD #DomesticAbuse #Abuse Click To Tweet
I didn’t realize someone threatening to leave on a regular basis was abuse. I figured they just had to get away.
I was wrong. It was abuse.
I was terrified, and so were the kids. And that modified my behavior. Who, in their right mind, would bring up anything that might bring about that monster’s rage?
And why did that temper exist?
Shame. His shame. Someone with NPD lives with unimaginable shame.
And his shame of his own infidelities fueled his anger – which caused further abuse.
His reckless choices led to his abuse of me, and our kids. His anger led to fear.
Yes, I am afraid of my husband. When he gets enraged, and you add his anti-social personality markers into the mix, you can see why I am afraid he’d cross that line and hit me – though he says he never would.
But then, he also said he’d “love, honor and cherish” me, and he’d “forsake all others.”
What the hell am I supposed to believe?
© Married2aMonster.com – 2019
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