Once again, I find myself livid over my monster’s past actions. If the infidelities weren’t enough, he had been “sourcing supply” off and on for years. And while he says he wasn’t aware of what he was doing while seeking supply, the damage is done – especially since he received an email today from one of the women he’d been chatting with.
I want you to know that I am writing this from my
perspective of things I have discovered through this absolutely painful and
devastating journey. I am a follower of Christ, and it was by my gut – also
known as the Holy Spirit – that I encountered what the problem has been. I have
leaned into God so deeply that there may be in indentation in His body that is the
shape of mine. In six months, I have shed more tears than I had in a lifetime.
I want to share with you what I encountered, especially by “the church.” When you are told “God hates divorce” and that “All things are to His glory,” it sends nothing but a message of guilt and confusion to the abused spouse. While I am a Christian woman, a daughter of the Most High, I will tell you this – my journey is not being shared to tell you to “forgive and forget.” No – it is to share with you how I am healing. My goal is to be with you as you heal, whether you are a Christian or not. I plan to share with you how society and the church has let women down in so many ways – especially when dealing with the invisible damage of verbal, emotional and narcissistic abuse.
Imagine how excited you’d be, looking forward to a milestone. Yep, that was me. Earlier in 2018, my eyes were set on the prize. Our thirty-five-year anniversary was on the horizon. And we made it! We struggled through job losses, financial disasters, losing our home, the deaths of family and friends, military deployments, raising four children, continuing education and all the curve-balls of life. Family and friends alike were excited for us. In this day and age, being together for so long is the mark of success. And we were being rewarded for years of crazy with the perfect marriage. I envisioned us sitting together on our porch, watching the grandkids running through the yard, while enjoying retirement. We’d have our second home get-away near the ocean. In all of the nonsense we were dealt through the years, we were being rewarded for retaining a healthy and faithfully committed marriage.