Once again, I find myself livid over my monster’s past actions. If the infidelities weren’t enough, he had been “sourcing supply” off and on for years. And while he says he wasn’t aware of what he was doing while seeking supply, the damage is done – especially since he received an email today from one of the women he’d been chatting with.
While none of the emails that I saw were sexual in nature, the pain I feel runs deep. These friendships were kept from me. He says if I asked about them, he would have told me. But here’s the thing – WHY would I even think to ask if he had online friendships? WHY would I think that my perfect husband would be doing something like that? I didn’t go through his phone, email, wallet, etc. Why did I need to – he was a man of integrity! I didn’t know about his multiple infidelities, so why would I even think he was supplying, too???
What does supplying mean? It means that someone with NPD has the need for continuous validation, admiration, special attention, appreciation, blah, blah, blah. Like an addict – always needing their fix. And if they don’t get it from their “primary source” – me, in this case – then they go off to find it. In my world, how does that make me feel? The recurring theme – I was never “good enough.”Supply: It means that someone with #NPD has the need for continuous validation, admiration, special attention, appreciation, blah, blah, blah. Like an addict – always needing their fix. Click To Tweet
What was the monster’s motivation? Who the hell knows? I’m just the spouse, and I’m spouting off my anger and my reasons, based on the information I have read on covert narcissism, and what could possibly be going through his disordered head:
- Abandonment – Scenario One. He feared I would leave him, a possible fear due to his childhood trauma. So, just in case I was going to leave, he’d have a line-up of female friends. Chatting away online, or via text or email, he’d help them find jobs, ask about their family. Such a noble guy! He always helped the damsel in distress, which leads to:
- Abandonment – Scenario Two. All the helpless ladies that needed him made him feel validated and appreciated. My guess? He didn’t want to be married to me any longer because, in his head, I did something wrong (abandoned him to care for our babies, or didn’t appreciate him at a level he needed, didn’t feel loved, etc.) so he screwed other women, so he could abandon me first – another narcissistic act, as they have a cyclical pattern of idealizing, devaluing and discarding.
- Admiration of others. Apparently, after the honeymoon phase, the monster saw that I was human and flawed. I fell off the pedestal he put me on. If I said the wrong thing, questioned the wrong thing, looked the wrong way, I must have hated him. Because all he knows is good and bad; black or white – there is no in between. If you get mad at a narcissist, they feel like you don’t love them, so they begin to devalue you – even hate you. So, I think, the monster had to keep his eyes open, just in case someone better came along so he could replace me.
If you knew my monster, you would be absolutely shocked at his behavior. Because while he was out whoring around, he portrayed himself to be the best husband and father – ever. The few friends I have told about this crazy life of mine had their minds blown when I shared my story with them.
It is so hard to wrap my head around all of this, especially since the verbal and emotional abuse was so covert and subtle. To think I gave my heart, soul and body to this monster, and this is how he “loved” me in return makes my blood boil and my heart ache. Evil – pure evil.
© Married2aMonster.com – 2019
Note: All comments on the blog will be closely monitored. This is a place for healing and sharing, not a place to be rude, abusive, and, for lack of a better word – narcissistic. We will all play nice, or you are bounced out. It’s that simple. Boundary setting is a must when dealing with narcissists. And those are the rules on this site.