Healing – an emotional roller coaster

I want you to know that I am writing this from my perspective of things I have discovered through this absolutely painful and devastating journey. I am a follower of Christ, and it was by my gut – also known as the Holy Spirit – that I encountered what the problem has been. I have leaned into God so deeply that there may be in indentation in His body that is the shape of mine. In six months, I have shed more tears than I had in a lifetime.

I want to share with you what I encountered, especially by “the church.” When you are told “God hates divorce” and that “All things are to His glory,” it sends nothing but a message of guilt and confusion to the abused spouse. While I am a Christian woman, a daughter of the Most High, I will tell you this – my journey is not being shared to tell you to “forgive and forget.” No – it is to share with you how I am healing. My goal is to be with you as you heal, whether you are a Christian or not. I plan to share with you how society and the church has let women down in so many ways – especially when dealing with the invisible damage of verbal, emotional and narcissistic abuse.

As my journey unfolds, I will be letting you into my life. I will share when my hopes are high, and when I feel nothing but despair. I will share with you that every emotion you are feeling is correct for where ever you are at in your journey. I will share with you the harmful things our first counselor did.

I will share with you that just because your monster made you feel crazy, YOU WERE NOT. You will see how the goodness you had was exploited by a very disordered individual.

There is an epidemic of abuse victims, and I suspect most of them have their roots in NPD. While NPD is on a spectrum, you will see that there are many forms. My monster has shown “low-to-moderate” behavior at times, and malignant patterns, in addition to OCD and anti-social traits. Those times were the worst times in my life.

One Bible story resonates with me, and I hope it will with you, too. It’s when Saul/Paul regains his sight: 

And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and he regained his sight…” Acts 9:18 (ESV)

I believe that is exactly what is happening to me. Once I was made aware of what was going on, the scales starting falling off my eyes. And now, I am reliving painful memories of abuse. Many times, I shrugged off my monster’s bad behavior, because he was having a bad day. But as the memories come to me, I see the cumulative effect. And that affect isn’t good.

In addition to walking with me on this healing journey, I will share many books and websites that I have found helpful. But I warn you – some readings will make you lose hope. Many people suffering with NPD aren’t able to “be fixed.” They have a lifetime of habits to change, and their brains need to be re-wired. Those with NPD don’t feel empathy, and if they do, they don’t feel it the right way. They have impulsive behavior issues. They have no filter. They use sarcasm and often mask put-downs as jokes. And that just scratches the surface. I will share more of my monster’s traits. He isn’t always “malignant,” as he presents more as a covert, passive-aggressive patient. If you met him on the street, he’d give you the shirt off his back or the $20 bill in his wallet.

Yet, in the privacy of our marriage and our home, he was abusing me. This knowledge shocked him as much as it shocked me – and it shocked some others as well. And yet, there were others who weren’t shocked by this at all. Some people were actually able to see through his mask.

I only wished they had said something. It could have saved years of painful memories – and abuse.

© Married2aMonster.com – 2019

Note: All comments on the blog will be closely monitored. This is a place for healing and sharing, not a place to be rude, abusive, and, for lack of a better word – narcissistic. We will all play nice, or you are bounced out. It’s that simple. Boundary setting is a must when dealing with narcissists. And those are the rules on my site.

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