A moment of clarity came over me this week – over the course of a few days.
Processing all the hurt and damage from the monster’s abuse has been painful. The moments of clarity, while good, tend to have me feel anger all over again.
Most of the books I have read about abuse recovery discuss boundaries. And, while discussing boundaries may be helpful to some, it did nothing but enrage me.
Aren’t wedding vows a boundary? I believe “love, honor, cherish, forsake all others” is a pretty clear string of boundaries, no? So, since that boundary was implied as a vow we when we were married, did I really need to say, “By the way, infidelity is a boundary. So, don’t screw anyone, like, my friends or your co-workers, okay?”
Absolutely not! So, don’t tell me to set boundaries. I already had!
I finally read a book where the author – also a victim of narcissistic abuse – said that there are boundaries and deal-breakers. My interest was piqued.
What are deal-breakers in relationships? Abuse. Lies. Infidelities. Manipulations. Deceit. Lack of respect. Breaking boundaries.
And that’s when I felt an anger rise up from deep within.
I had set boundaries. In fact, I used them numerous times dealing with narcissists. The relative that molested me as a child crossed my boundaries. I’d see him, and my gut shot me a warning. And when my barking dog clued me in that this guy was dangerous, the brave 11-year-old me stopped him. I told my abuser to leave. He tried to argue, and I told him my dog knew he was bad, and I believed my dog. That ended my abusive relationship – he crossed my boundary, breaking the deal on being a trusted relative, and I exercised my right to end the relationship.
I set another boundary. With someone who pretended to be my friend. Someone who just didn’t leave me alone – love bombing and hoovering me, especially after I had a baby. My gut was telling me there was something “off” with her and her behavior. I set a boundary, “I’m an exhausted mom. I need you to visit less, and call first.” Additionally, I didn’t like the way she acted around my spouse – and though I didn’t tell her that, I told my spouse. What did she do? Like a true narcissist, she crossed my boundary in an unbelievable way, by seeking revenge against me.All along, my “gut” was telling me something was wrong. All along he continued the charade – denying me the truth. #NPD #lies #manipulation Click To Tweet
The boundary of “forsaking all others” was crossed by my monster. Not only did he violate that vow more than once, with more than one woman, he violated that boundary with the female version of him – the friend I placed a boundary upon. And, he violated that boundary at least twice! I’m so enraged, because I did the right thing for me. I set boundaries to protect me, and my boundaries were violated and annihilated by both of those narcissists!!
And my monster chose not to tell me. Instead, he lied and manipulated to cover his shame and his ass. And that lie escalated the covert, passive-aggressive abuse I was already enduring. All along, my “gut” was telling me something was wrong. All along he continued the charade – denying me the truth.
So, to the self-help authors and the therapists who advise to set boundaries – what does one do when you are violated and you don’t even know? How the hell does a boundary work when you aren’t allowed to know if an action is a deal-breaker in the relationship because your monster covers it up? For decades???? When your monster continuously lies and makes you think you are paranoid? When your monster accuses you of cheating?
“What possesses them, drives them? Basically, it’s fear. They are terrified that the pretense will break down and they will be exposed to the world and to themselves. They are continually frightened that they will come face to face with their own evil.” M. Scott Peck, M.D.
My monster even justified his lie, saying he was trying to protect me. I say, bull$hit. That monster lied to protect himself. If I had never asked him, over two decades, what was “wrong,” he could have gotten away with it. But I did ask. He knew that I innately knew something was “off.” Instead of coming clean, he cowardly hid behind a lie to protect himself from his fear of shame. And by doing that, his abuse escalated, something our kids witnessed.
“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
I’m I enraged? You bet I am. I have been violated by the one who professed to love, honor and cherish me. And worse, though I was trying to protect myself, he prevented that from happening. My monster’s actions – cruel and evil – pure evil.
© Married2aMonster.com – 2019
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