His lies

… wherever there is evil, there’s a lie around. Evil always has something to do with lies.” M. Scott Peck, M.D,

People of the Lie

A moment of clarity came over me this week – over the course of a few days.

Processing all the hurt and damage from the monster’s abuse has been painful. The moments of clarity, while good, tend to have me feel anger all over again.

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My Lie – Words from the Monster

My lie

As I mentioned in an earlier post, twenty-some years ago I decided not to disclose to my wife the infidelities I committed. My lie.

There was a window of opportunity when I should have disclosed all. I had just resigned my position at work in total shame because of a sexual harassment allegation, which I am ashamed to admit. In fact, I had not committed any physical violation, or for that matter, anything that I thought warranted the charge. I had some “inappropriate” conversations while on the job and an allegation was filed.

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Broken – Words from the Monster

Broken NPD
I am broken due to NPD.

It has been a very difficult week. We said goodbye to a brother this week, my wife’s oldest half-brother, who was a loving soul. He was broken in many ways but through all his brokenness, he still found a way to love everyone he met. He and I had been good friends over the years and we even had a spiritual connection. Despite the troubled life he lived, he was a follower of Christ Jesus, a trait of his I admired very much. He taught me that even if you are a conflicted, broken person, Jesus is always there to catch you when you finally realize He is the only way to salvation. My brother went home this week to the Lord, and I will miss him. It gives me great comfort knowing that he is safe in the Lord and all his pain has been wiped away.

How does one obtain empathy and caring for others if he does not have it? Inside, I want to care and I want to love my family and friends with a right kind of love. #NPD #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Love Click To Tweet Continue reading “Broken – Words from the Monster”

Sex, Supply and Sourcing – More Pain Caused by NPD

Sex, supply and sourcing – nothing’s a surprise with NPD.

Once again, I find myself livid over my monster’s past actions. If the infidelities weren’t enough, he had been “sourcing supply” off and on for years. And while he says he wasn’t aware of what he was doing while seeking supply, the damage is done – especially since he received an email today from one of the women he’d been chatting with.

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Disorder – Words from the Monster

Monster NPD Disorder
My disorder made me a monster.

Hello, I am the Monster. My wife has embarked on this blog as a therapeutic way of relieving the pain, grief and outrage that I have caused. I have a personality disorder. I agreed to share in this effort partly because at this point in my life I will do anything to help restore her, and partly to help others from becoming me. I am going to be the alternate side of this blog, while she shares her process of healing on a day-to-day basis, I will be sharing my correction as it is conducted.

I am one who once had everything in the world, and now I’m left picking up the pieces of a shattered life that I, myself, broke. If you are reading this blog because your life has just been destroyed by a discovery or revelation of infidelity, betrayal or realization of abuse, welcome and I am sorry. My wife and I can certainly feel your pain as we are living it in real time. Unlike all the “self-help” books, we have devoured since D-day (name applied to the day of reveal), here you will witness the hellish emotional roller coaster that we ride everyday seeking healing and correction. You, too, will be on this ride in your place. Maybe this will help you to understand that what is about to come or what you are experiencing right now in your life is “normal,” whatever that means.

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I am afraid of my husband

Many years I walked on eggshells due to his rage outbursts.

I am afraid of my husband.

In my last post, I touched on anger and abuse. Today, I want to address fear.

I am afraid of my husband.

I never, ever thought I’d utter those words. But as the memories of abuse flood me, that fear is real.

Why? He never hit me.

I told him the other day I wish he had.

If my monster had hit me 21 years ago when he was on what we now know call his “Narcissistic Bender,” I would have taken our kids and left. Never, ever would I allow a man to hit me. Ever.

If my monster had hit me, I wouldn’t have endured years of verbal and emotional abuse.

For that, I am so very, very angry at him.

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How can you say you love me????

How can you say you love me???

You know what? I am mad. I am fuming mad. I feel like I have lost 35 years of my life with a man who claimed he loved me.

How can you say you love me?

One can’t love someone if they don’t love themselves. In this case, my monster has been self-loathing all of his life. How on earth could he love me if he didn’t love himself?

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Healing – an emotional roller coaster

I want you to know that I am writing this from my perspective of things I have discovered through this absolutely painful and devastating journey. I am a follower of Christ, and it was by my gut – also known as the Holy Spirit – that I encountered what the problem has been. I have leaned into God so deeply that there may be in indentation in His body that is the shape of mine. In six months, I have shed more tears than I had in a lifetime.

I want to share with you what I encountered, especially by “the church.” When you are told “God hates divorce” and that “All things are to His glory,” it sends nothing but a message of guilt and confusion to the abused spouse. While I am a Christian woman, a daughter of the Most High, I will tell you this – my journey is not being shared to tell you to “forgive and forget.” No – it is to share with you how I am healing. My goal is to be with you as you heal, whether you are a Christian or not. I plan to share with you how society and the church has let women down in so many ways – especially when dealing with the invisible damage of verbal, emotional and narcissistic abuse.

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Married to a Monster

Imagine how excited you’d be, looking forward to a milestone. Yep, that was me. Earlier in 2018, my eyes were set on the prize. Our thirty-five-year anniversary was on the horizon. And we made it! We struggled through job losses, financial disasters, losing our home, the deaths of family and friends, military deployments, raising four children, continuing education and all the curve-balls of life. Family and friends alike were excited for us. In this day and age, being together for so long is the mark of success. And we were being rewarded for years of crazy with the perfect marriage. I envisioned us sitting together on our porch, watching the grandkids running through the yard, while enjoying retirement. We’d have our second home get-away near the ocean. In all of the nonsense we were dealt through the years, we were being rewarded for retaining a healthy and faithfully committed marriage.

Or so I thought.

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