Helping those hurt by a Narcissistic Personality Disordered (NPD) spouse
A moment of clarity came over me this week – over the course of a few days.
Processing all the hurt and damage from the monster’s abuse has been painful. The moments of clarity, while good, tend to have me feel anger all over again.
Continue reading “His lies”
Once again, I find myself livid over my monster’s past actions. If the infidelities weren’t enough, he had been “sourcing supply” off and on for years. And while he says he wasn’t aware of what he was doing while seeking supply, the damage is done – especially since he received an email today from one of the women he’d been chatting with.
Continue reading “Sex, Supply and Sourcing – More Pain Caused by NPD”
In my last post, I touched on anger and abuse. Today, I want to address fear.
I am afraid of my husband.
I never, ever thought I’d utter those words. But as the memories of abuse flood me, that fear is real.
Why? He never hit me.
I told him the other day I wish he had.
If my monster had hit me 21 years ago when he was on what we now know call his “Narcissistic Bender,” I would have taken our kids and left. Never, ever would I allow a man to hit me. Ever.
If my monster had hit me, I wouldn’t have endured years of verbal and emotional abuse.
For that, I am so very, very angry at him.
Continue reading “I am afraid of my husband”
You know what? I am mad. I am fuming mad. I feel like I have lost 35 years of my life with a man who claimed he loved me.
How can you say you love me?
One can’t love someone if they don’t love themselves. In this case, my monster has been self-loathing all of his life. How on earth could he love me if he didn’t love himself?
Continue reading “How can you say you love me????”I want you to know that I am writing this from my perspective of things I have discovered through this absolutely painful and devastating journey. I am a follower of Christ, and it was by my gut – also known as the Holy Spirit – that I encountered what the problem has been. I have leaned into God so deeply that there may be in indentation in His body that is the shape of mine. In six months, I have shed more tears than I had in a lifetime.
I want to share with you what I encountered, especially by “the church.” When you are told “God hates divorce” and that “All things are to His glory,” it sends nothing but a message of guilt and confusion to the abused spouse. While I am a Christian woman, a daughter of the Most High, I will tell you this – my journey is not being shared to tell you to “forgive and forget.” No – it is to share with you how I am healing. My goal is to be with you as you heal, whether you are a Christian or not. I plan to share with you how society and the church has let women down in so many ways – especially when dealing with the invisible damage of verbal, emotional and narcissistic abuse.
Continue reading “Healing – an emotional roller coaster”Imagine how excited you’d be, looking forward to a milestone. Yep, that was me. Earlier in 2018, my eyes were set on the prize. Our thirty-five-year anniversary was on the horizon. And we made it! We struggled through job losses, financial disasters, losing our home, the deaths of family and friends, military deployments, raising four children, continuing education and all the curve-balls of life. Family and friends alike were excited for us. In this day and age, being together for so long is the mark of success. And we were being rewarded for years of crazy with the perfect marriage. I envisioned us sitting together on our porch, watching the grandkids running through the yard, while enjoying retirement. We’d have our second home get-away near the ocean. In all of the nonsense we were dealt through the years, we were being rewarded for retaining a healthy and faithfully committed marriage.
Or so I thought.
Continue reading “Married to a Monster”